Dear S,
What a weird story ours was. The first time I saw you, you were like an image from my wildest dreams: beautiful, charismatic, special and you loved music, just as I did. That was the center of my life back then.
After that first one-sided encounter, I just caught a glimpse of you through the slightly cracked door of a rehearsal room – it took another year until I would see you again.
I was so thrilled after I had been accepted to Conservatory. We accidentally bumped into each other again shortly after that and I asked to borrow a hi-hat.
Our eyes met and I felt such intense energy, it was almost electric. Funnily, my name was one of the most common in your native country which I presume must have given you a familiar and deeply rooted feeling about me from the very beginning. We were both in a strange and foreign country, which you always despised. And now that I think of it, it might not have been sheer coincidence that I bear the name of one of the most famous heroes of your country and you bear the name of my first love. It seemed as if it was meant to be.
It all moved fast and was overwhelming and intense just like a tsunami. The destruction started almost immediately after that. You were jealous of everything and everyone. Passionate and wild. Crazy and beautiful. Too bright for me, it felt like getting close to the sun sometimes. A burning fire with flames higher than my ability to comprehend.
I tried to contain you, to be your source of tranquility and ground you so that you could learn to feel safe, but that was unfamiliar to you and you fought back. You didn’t get it - I was supposed to save you. Or you did but would not allow it to happen. It turned out to be too much of a task; I wasn’t enough for you. I felt like a grey mouse, trying to reach up to a roaring comet. You would chew me up and spit me out with great pleasure and piercing fury. It hurt so badly; it became one of the unforgettable experiences of my life. I find it strange that in the end we weren’t made for each other, despite or maybe rather because of the unmeasurable love and passion between us.
Take care of yourself. Maybe we will meet again once the fire is out and the sea calms down.